haven´t been on for ages,,,i guess because i had a lot going on.

I was doing really good, about 2 weeks or something.....now i feel like i am in a bad condition really, i was eating fine for this 2 weeks, i did everything that was asked of me...it was suprising to me aswell, but i felt amazing about it!!!
Now i feel disgusted of everything that is put in front of me...just like that. I woke up and was ready to continue the way i did. I sat in front of my plate, and i couldn´t take the smell of it, i could have puked right away...so evantually i had nothing what was on that plate.....i don´t now, it feels i can only drink water today...maybe im getting ill or something, wich i hope...because i don´t want people around me to think: oh no, here we go again, she does not eat!!! "

its just that i want to ...but i can´t and it has nothing to do with anorexia, its just that i feel disgusted by it, can´t take the smell, .....i really hope i catched a cold.........quite paradox

Wo I haven´t been on Lj, for weeks :( Been really busy lately.
In August I will finally have holidays, so I can go and enjoy life, I hope.................

its so hot...i´ve put on my size zero dress and red lipstick.....lets see what it does to my attitude:P

I have been really restrictive these days and I still feel huge, whale huge, disgustingly huge, ridiculously huge, fat, fat, fat, fat fat fat fat fat.........
please someone help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we have relatives around today...that means a really overwhelming dinner I have to be at......:( I feel really really anxious of eating to much, or even eating at all :( :( theres no way I can get out of it......maybe I´ll just have the salad.........:(:(:(

oh gooood I feel the urge to purge so badly, what should I do............help help help

Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.

So today is monday, and Im quite anxious to see my therapist today. I haven´t been making any progress really. She certainly won´t love the idea of the size zero dress for prom.
Yesterday has been a bad day, I literally got in temptation to purge, but than I ran out of time and my parents went home earlier as I expected them to come, so I had to forget the idea...IT WAS HELL.
I haven´t binged, but lunch took a toll on me.
Im quite good in repressing the urge to purge at the moment, but still Im afraid the repression will catch up with me later. And I will end up purging(yesterday was the first sign). Really Really anxious of today, Im alone this morning, I`ve got tons to do, hopefully that will keep my mind away of getting rid of the overwhelming breakfast.

so thats about it, besides ....Im tragically in love

I bought myself a size zero dress....and it fits....

yeeeeeah.

How did I do this? Don´t know, all I know it wasn´t "healthy".........

my therapist won´t like that............

we wanted to go to see ballet on saturday, why the heck does he invite me to dinner.
what shall I do????

I have unbelievable cravings for salt.

Can somebody tell me what that means?????

I love love love love love love love love sprouds......could eat them all day and feel good about myself ;)

Well they won´t hardly give me the required 2500 calories but, who said I want that.


heading off to boyfriends house....

Give me strength.

Don´t know what to do. Had a tough conversation with my boyfriend yesterday.
He obviously is concerned since he noticed that Im struggling again. I used to be good the last weeks, I was torned though between restricting and getting better and stick to the meal plan my nutritionist gave me.But I´ve been a good girl, and I didn´t purge or anything.
But last days have been tough for me and I started to skip dinner and lunchtimes and lie to my parents. How terrible of me, its just the only thing I can do to prevent me from actual purging.(Im really anxious and nervous ..again)
Well my boyfriend wanted to take me out for dinner yesterday, and I said I was too tired to go out anyways, so he might come over or I will. Of course he came :). But he proposed to order something ...he obviously wanted to test me. And I was like putting on a show and said, sure you can order a pizza if you want. Of course he went on with: Well don´t you want one aswell?
I was silent.
"You told me you´re feeling better at the moment, whats wrong? Have you actually had lunch today?"
I nodded, (although I managed to restrict the food I´ve been givin.)
so he went on about, how he wants me to get better and he is seriously concernend because I dropped weight again.
He is right I lost 3 lbs..wow not much of a loss, right? But for him its obviously a big deal, but for me its certainly not much, and definetely not enough....Im feeling Im relapsing...I know, silly me. Im being really selfish again, not a good sign.
So I could see he was very disappointed with me, but he knew that there was no way I would have eaten anything that night.
So he ordered nothing and ate nothing and we just sat there, and I could see from his face that he had enough of me and my struggles. He obviously is, since he was so supportive all the time and he cares about me and I betrayed him all the way.
Im afraid he is going to leave me. We were silent the whole night. We watched a movie and no one was watching for real, he was somewhere else, and my mind was already craving for my brandnew scale that I bought in secret. How awfull am I? My boyfriend is almost crying and so concerned and I can´t say anything to make him feel better. I just stay silent and think about this damn scale.
I am a terrible person. He surely will leave me soon. If I relapse. My mom told me she´ll send me back to treatment. If I wont focus again.
Don´t know what to do, my ED prevents me from loving, Im so self-centered.
What shall I do

Im struggling so hard today with recovery...its just too much for me.

I just want to disappear and be alone with my disorder.

So I put on my skinny jeans, and I thought it looked okey.
The moment I stepped out of the door, I become as stiff as a board and wanted to disappear.
Thats what you call bad body image, right?
I felt shame shame shame shame for my fatty body.

Im so close, getting depressed.Please save me from despair.

NO BINGING NO PURGING....FOCUS!

So I´ve been thinking about stuff and my relationship with my mother. And I must say that ever since I have this disorder more then 10 years. I constantly compare myself with my mother. She so petite and thin and she always was. I feel really bad being bigger than her.
Those days where I dropped to 94 lbs. I was thinner then her and felt good about that.
I noticed that through out my childhood she has been really careful with what she ate. She never finished her plate she never ate bread or carbs at all.
My father is a non-eater aswell. He says he forgets to eat. And he never eats out of self-motivation, only when meal times are about to come.He would never eat someting out of pleasure. So I must say, there was never an enjoyable attitude towards food.This is probably why I stopped eating when I was 8.
When they found out that I had this ED the´re was no way they could undestand how someone could be so preoccupied with food and not EAT.
Every day I feel guilty eating in front of my mother, because. She does not eat like normal people aswell, why should I eat then?? How can she tell me that she wants me to get better and help me get a normal attitude towards food, when she herself does have a disordered image.
Every day I hear phrases, dirceted to my father: Did you have breakfast this morining? Have you eaten something? " My father anwers: Well I guess I had, Im not really hungry in the mornings anyways." He is really thin.
The first time I purged was when I heard my mother doing it after she binged on fries. I asked her what she did and she said: "Well I felt sick, there was no way my stomach would be able to digest it so I purged. BUt its a one-time thing, dear". That was when I was 16.
So about a month later purging became a habit.
SHould I blame my mother for that?
How can I possibly do that. I love her to much, but still.
I feel really weird about my family history, since my grandma died of anorexia.
So in conclusion, my disorder turns about to be predestined.??

So came back from therapy!
And Im more than happy with that. Definitely see progress. The phone call helped and seems the ungracious lady is beeing more attentive.

I SEE CHANGE

thanks to one specific lovely lady here on lj, that really encouraged me.


off to dance dance and dance

My exam went pretty good :) THough I put too much stress on me, and expect always the worst...
well it went okey.

So mom forced me to have lunch. I feel full. And so come the thoughts back, purge or not??? I know if I do I´ll feel empty but that would probably make me gain more weight in the long run.

So don´t purge and forget about it, and move on?
Im so tired. I would have gone to bed after exams, if I had not eaten. But now I NEED to move, impossible that I can rest and be lazy..... -.- I wish I had not eaten so I could go and SLEEP.

I feel so bloated, although I had almost nothing today.....I feel so gross and fat, seriously.

Im afraid of getting dressed. Im afraid. I want to vanish into thin air.


I can´t stop crying.......

bf is coming over and i do not want him to touch me.....Im a bad girlfriend, Im a FAT ****

My therapist is the greatest jerk ever !!!!

It´s so ennoying....I NEED TO FIND ANOTHER ONE, OTHERWISE I´LL GIVE MYSELF UP .......

what have I done to my body!??


Im sick for about 3 days right now, and Im sure my organism is completely wrecked. I can´t eat at all, I feel sick and weak. The smell of food makes me feel nauseous.
The foods that actually don´t cause major disgust, don´t stay in my stomach for long.. (either one way or another.... -.-)
And consequently I can´t eat the food that I´ve eaten, because I associate them with the feeling of sickness-.- and so the food spectrum, reduces everyday....even when I want to eat...and I know I want the ENERGY since my exam is tomorrow...and I can´t get out of bed for 3 days-.- holy shit!!!!!

What Have I done to my body, really! My stomach finaly takes revenge for the fight and distortion I´ve put it through.
But now? My exam is tomorrow, and how can I know that I don´t have to puke in the middle of the writing? Im afraid of taking food with me although I know I need the ENERGY to get trough this 4 hours of german history!!!!!!!!
And then my mom, she of course thinks that my ED took the handles again ,and she doesn´t believe me that I WANT to eat and I simply can´t because I feel SICK... her words: You´ve got no fever, you´re perfectly fine, You´re not SICK. You just think you can get away with it ,by telling me that you haven´t caused the purging by yourself and you feel constantly sick. We´ve been here before Vera!!! Is this starting again, the "I feel sick-argument?"

Now my eating disorder and lies apparetnly are taking a toll on me.......


gosh what should I do, tomorrow......?? I can´t skip the exams, thats definItely not an option!!!!